Smelly Danielly

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I love the snow. I especially love the snow when I don’t have to work and I don’t have to drive.

The first snow of the season came a few days before Matteo’s first birthday. While it technically snowed while he was in the hospital the previous year, we counted this as his first snow day.

I didn’t buy Matteo a snowsuit this year because I didn’t expect it to snow very much, or at all and even if it did, would Matteo go out and play in it? Probably not, so I wasn’t about to spend the money. But then when it did snow all I could think about was going out and playing and taking pictures.

Thankfully my Mom had given me my old snow suit which I was supposed to use for Matteo had he been born on time and it snowed, but of course none of that worked out the way we thought. So when I found it on the morning of Matteo’s first snow day, I decided to “cram” his “oversized” body into my “undersized” snowsuit. It was a very tight squeeze but it worked for a few photos.

Matteo didn’t really know what to make of the snow. He didn’t really seem interested or uninterested until I tossed a small snow ball at him and he decided he was NOT a fan. Papa quickly saved him and he was no worse for wear.

Since that snow day in late November it has not snowed at all (minus a couple hours of snow rain a few weeks back) and that makes me sad. I have no where to go! LET IT SNOW! Be a pain in the butt now when I don’t have to take a million buses to work or get stuck on the highway for hours on end. BRING ON THE SNOW. But maybe not blizzard like amounts.

21. 01. 2015

Last year when the boys got together for their annual “Pig Day” Matteo was still in the hospital (and at the point very little) but I knew it wouldn’t be long before he could join in on the fun. However, one thing that is essential when making salami and sausages is that each man have his very own apron. When I realized this my creative wheels started to turn and I decided that I would make Matteo the most adorable apron on the planet.

It’s always hard when you have an idea in your mind of something you want to create but you can’t find the right supplies to make that idea come true. I knew what kind of print I wanted for Matteo’s apron but I didn’t know how easy it would be to find. Apparently I had a horse shoe in my back pocket the day I went to the fabric store because I found exactly what I had been looking for.

That moment when you find the exact print that you imagined in your mind on a bolt of fabric. I was so excited when I came across this yesterday. It will be transformed into the most adorable apron for Matteo to wear when he joins the men for sausage maki

Piggies! It was so cute I lost my mind.

I then googled a couple of examples of kids aprons and traced out a pattern. I wanted something that wouldn’t be too oversized right now, but not too tiny for the future. I ended up using this pattern here and then adjusted it as I needed.

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The finished product!

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I am kind of obsessed with these little piggies. I ended up having more fabric than I needed so I should totally make one for myself.

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So on Pig Day, Matteo and his piggy apron dropped by to check out all the meat grinding fun.

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Matteo wanted to play with all the raw meat which was totally food safe.

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“What are all these hanging meat toys?”

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No tears! These pigs led happy slop filled lives!

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Showing off his spiffy apron!

Matteo was a little unsure of all the noisy contraptions going off around him, but he was happy knowing he totally looked the part. A few more years and he will be the cutest sausage maker in town!

Life is funny.

There is no doubt that Wednesday was a bad day for me and little did I know things were about to get more interesting.

That afternoon as I was waiting for Chad to come home I received a call from my family doctor letting me know he had received the test results from the PAP test I had in November and would like me to come in to discuss them. He had an opening available the next day if I wanted. Sweet Mother of Mercy, what now? Without a doubt this phone call sent my panic senses into over load. The over worrier that I used to be was coming back with a vengeance. I have been called back before for weird PAP test results but this was all a bit much for me. At least I would be able to ask him about my lump biopsy as he had also received a copy of the results.

Then Thursday morning I received a call from the hospital letting me know they were cancelling my second biopsy scheduled for the next day and postponing it for the end of the month. Are you kidding me? I just want this to be over with and you guys are dragging it out? UGH.

Thankfully my family doctor is wonderful. He rightfully assumed I would be freaking out about all this and explained everything very clearly.

My lump biopsy came back negative so there was nothing to worry about there, thank God!

With regards to my calcium deposit biopsy being postponed, he said I shouldn’t worry about it and to ask my surgeon if he could phone the hospital to try and schedule it sooner as he had more pull with the hospital.

As for my PAP test, some of the cells tested came back as “abnormal” so he is going to schedule an appointment for me to get a colposcopy which is basically a fancy PAP test.

This was a lot of information to take in, but he stressed to me that I shouldn’t worry. There was nothing we could do about the biopsy right now so I’ve put it out of my mind. Hopefully the colposcopy shows nothing serious, but even if it does some fairly simple procedures can rectify the situation. I was actually talking to Matteo’s nurse about this and she went through a similar situation and had quite a few colposcopies done so I don’t feel so scared about it.

So one thing has been taken off the table and one new thing has been added to the table, but I don’t feel as worried about it as I did earlier in the week. I know that everything in life happens for a reason and that God has a plan for me but sometimes life just gets so overwhelming that I can’t help but worry and stress and freak out.

I am usually very guarded when I write a blog post. I don’t talk about something until it is over with because I am worried about jinxing it or I worry about putting myself in a vulnerable position. Well the truth is, it is a new year and I want to try new things so here I go.

A few months ago I found a lump in my breast.

Before Thyroid Cancer any time I found a lump anywhere I never worried about it. I always tell everyone that I come from a lumpy family so lumps have never scared me. But then I found a lump that wasn’t supposed to be anything and it turned out to be a major something and now my view on things has completely changed.

When I found the lump in my breast I put it in the back of my mind and tried to forget about it. I did for a while but then worry started to set in and I finally mentioned it to Chad. He told me if I was concerned I should go to the doctor. Of course I should go to the doctor but that would force me to face something I didn’t want to face. So, I put it out of my mind and forgot about it again. Then out of the blue I received a call from my doctor’s office letting me know it was time to schedule a PAP exam. When the assistant brought me into the room she informed me that if it was alright with me, my doctor would also preform a breast exam. OH YEA, I had a lump I should probably get looked at. Ok, well I guess this is the time to do it.

I don’t know what I expected. I guess I thought he would check it out and say with resounding certainty that it was just a lump and there was nothing to worry about. But he didn’t. He just said it didn’t feel like cancer and he would send me for an ultrasound to get it checked out. A reasonable answer for most put not for Cancer Traumatized Danielle.

Now, because I am always trying to predict the future I read into everything 1000 times more than I need to, especially when it comes to medical situations. I know ultrasound technicians are not allowed to tell you when they find but I was determined to read into every facial expression she had while doing her job to try and figure out what she may have found, but I came out of the ultrasound with no real feeling as to what was going on. This was frustrating to me.

On the day I was going to call my doctor to see if he received the results I got a call from him saying they were scheduling me for a Mammogram and for a follow up appointment with the surgeon who preformed my thyroid surgery. Panic set in. Why on earth was I going for a mammogram when I had just had an ultrasound and ultrasounds show a better picture than a mammogram? There must be another piece to this story.

Sitting in the office waiting for my mammogram was the oddest feeling ever. I am a 29 year old woman with virtually not history of breast cancer in my family, why the hell am I here? I am too young for this! I shouldn’t be here!

The test itself was fine, awkward as one might imagine but fine.

I always find it funny meeting with a doctor who is potentially holding life changing information in his hands. You are on the brink of a breakdown because you have worried yourself sick over what you may or may not have to face and they are very matter of fact just going their job. There is no emotion in it for them and you can’t blame them for that.

The story was the lump didn’t really look like anything to be concerned with but the ultrasound and mammogram showed some calcium deposits in my breast. Sometimes these deposits are something, sometimes they are nothing and sometimes they are unknown. I am in the unknown category. So a biopsy was ordered for both just to make sure there was nothing to worry about.

I had the biopsy for the lump just before Christmas. It wasn’t really painful and didn’t really worry me too much because I honestly believe it is nothing other than a fibroadenoma which can be quite common. Remember, I am lumpy. But I don’t have the biopsy for the calcium deposits until this coming Friday.

When I asked the doctor what the deal was with the calcium deposits and if they were “something” (he never said what that something might in fact be) how we would deal with it he said he wouldn’t know until he knew exactly what they were. So, I put it out of my mind until today. Until I decided that I would actually google what a calcium deposit in the breast might mean.

To be honest, I am not into Googling medical issues. I learned my lesson when Matteo was in the hospital and I scared myself half to death with all these possible diseases he might have. It’s one thing to learn about your diagnosis, it’s another to freak yourself out over nothing.

But anyways, I googled calcium deposits in the breast.

Turns out that the “something” is cancer. UGH. Why does it always come back to cancer. The treatments are as you would expect: surgery, radiation, chemo.

I am terrified of chemo if only for the fact that I do not want to lose my hair. This is honestly what scares me the most about it.

If it turns out that I can cancer I am going to be most freaked out about the fact that I might have to have chemo and I will lose all my hair.

Can we say I am getting a bit ahead of myself?

I do not officially know the diagnosis on the lump that was found in my breast (who now, by the way, has found a friend to play with it) though I feel certain it is nothing to worry about. I will find out those result along with the calcium deposits next week (if the hospital can get their act together and send my doctor the results ASAP). And while I am not so worried about this lump, I am very worried about these deposits.

They always say you should go with your gut feeling but I think my gut feeling is skewed. I don’t know if I am so panicked because I honestly think and feel that there is something wrong or if it is because I am just so freaked out about what it might mean to have cancer again.

You would think that having faced cancer once in my life would mean I am prepared to face it again, but I am terrified. It would be one thing if I was older and it was just a fact of life. “You are in for 50s now Danielle, you may get breast cancer”, but I am 29 years old. I just spent the past year drowning in doctors visits and hospital stays. I am not ready to do it again.

I haven’t talked to anyone about how I feel. Anyone other than Chad that is. But all my talk and all my worry is starting to ware on him. I can see it. You can’t dump all your emotional baggage on someone who is dealing with stresses and worries of his own and expect him not to completely deflate. I don’t know who to turn to because I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems. Everyone has enough to deal with. So here I am. Dumping my problems on my blog because I need to get it off my chest.

I hope that this post turns out to be an example of panic in a situation that ends with a happy result. I hope that all this worry was for not. I hope I can come to you next week and say “SORRY FOR FREAKING YOU OUT! EVERYTHING IS OK!”, because I don’t know what I would do if I had to go through cancer all over again.

03. 01. 2015

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It is 2015 but because Chad has been off work for 2 weeks I am totally confused as to what day it actually is. Is today Saturday? It doesn’t feel like a Saturday.

I asked Chad want his resolutions for the New Year were but he says he doesn’t make resolutions. I guess that just means he is generally perfect in every way, right? Though making new years resolutions may be a bit cliche I can’t help but think about things I want to do/change/improve on when the new year arrives. I have made some mental notes on things I am going to do differently this year and I hope I can stick to them. One thing I will be participating in this year is the #365photochallenge on Instagram. You can follow me here to see my pictures.

These two weeks of vacation have gone by quickly. Actually the past month has been a blur with birthday parties and Christmas parties and a million things going on. I hope January is a bit slower paced. I am looking forward to January (which I guess is technically already here) but I am also nervous for January. There are potentially life changing things that could come about for all three of us this month and it makes me feel a bit overwhelmed. Some things could be good. Some things could be not so good. I guess I just have to have faith that it will all work out as it is supposed to.

One big thing that we are planning for in 2015 is a trip to Finland, without Matteo. We have been invited to a wedding and I am determined to make this opportunity come to life. I am so excited for the possibility of Chad and I taking off on a wild adventure but I also know that leaving Matteo behind will not be the easiest thing. I really hope that all the things that need to fall into place for this trip to happen do so because I think it would be such a nice treat for Chad and I.

I believe that 2015 is going to be a good year and I am going to do everything in my power to make it so.