This morning it was sunny and Matteo was running around the bed while Chad and I just laid there because today is the day my Mom comes to our house to watch him so I don’t have to get up as early to go to work. I felt relaxed for the first time all week. It made me want to go on vacation. Chad reminded me that we are going on vacation in less than 6 weeks. Oh yea, Finland!
Research has told me that there really isn’t a whole bunch to do in Finland and honestly, I’m thankful for that. It means there will be time to relax and I won’t be on the edge of my seat every day trying to make sure I pack 5000 experiences into every waking moment. My goal for the trip? Walks and picnics. I just want to hang out in the city and drink tea and enjoy the scenery and just be.
Saturday night I celebrated my 30th birthday with friends at Catch 122 in Gastown. Before that I met Chad (who was downtown taking a course) at the Cambie for a beer. When was the last time Chad and I went out in the afternoon by ourselves? Sure we get to go out at night and hang out with friends which is always fun, but to do something just the two of us? It felt amazing. Maybe because of everything that is going on right now and the dark cloud that looms over my head (I called the doctor. Still no results). Maybe because there is something magical about the Cambie on a sunny afternoon (yes, I just said that). Maybe because it reminded me of the old days (nostalgia and I are BFFs).
So, what I am saying is, I feel stressed and heavy and what I want to feel is care free and light.
Yesterday before heading over to Chad’s parents house for dinner I decided to water the front garden. Chad had just finished mowing the lawn and was walking with Matteo up and down the block. On their way back Matteo spotted me with the hose and got really excited. I gently waved the hose in his direction so just the tail end of the mist would get him. Having never really played in the water before (aside from in the bath) I wasn’t sure if he would freak out over how cold it was, or if he would love it.
Turns out he is obsessed.
Instead of getting ready to go we spent the next 15 minutes playing in the water. Matteo would run back and forth into the stream giggling like it was the greatest thing he had ever experienced. It was so freakin’ cute. By the end of it he was soaking wet and as happy as could be.
I love this stage.
I have been lucky enough to be nominated as one of the top 30 mom bloggers in Vancouver for 2015. This is a pretty cool honour considering I’ve been blogging for 10 years and have never been nominated for anything! If you would like to share the love you can vote for me here.
The main event on my 30th birthday was a trip to the health center for a Leep procedure to remove some “severe” pre cancerous cell from my cervix. Because that wasn’t enough to deal with I was also told they were going to do another biopsy on a tiny spot “further up the canal” that looked different. Because this new biopsy was news to me I asked what would happen if the cells came back positive for pre-cancer. The doctor, who seemed like she didn’t really want to talk about it, probably because she didn’t want me to worry about procedures I may not actually have to endure, said we would have to have a discussion on how to proceed. If I wanted to have more kids they could try and do another leep procedure to get rid of them, and if I didn’t want to have more kids then they would probably suggest a hysterectomy.
Since the moment this was mentioned to me I have had nothing but anxiety. Yes, I am freaking out over something that may not even happen. I have to wait 2-3 weeks for my results and yet I am already preparing myself for the worst. Because that is what I do.
Of course I am focusing on the fact that if this comes back positive “they could TRY to do another leep procedure” so that I would be able to have more children, but really that doesn’t sound super promising so obviously I’m going to have a hysterectomy and Matteo will be an only child. Because that is obviously exactly what the doctor told me. Forget about talking about my options I clearly only have one.
I know I am over reacting but I can’t help it. I am super freaked out.
I really just want a break from all of this. I just really don’t want to have to sit here waiting for yet another test result. Can I just get through a year with out any more tests?
SOMEONE THROW ME A FREAKIN’ BONE.
I think my favourite developmental feat that Matteo has mastered so far (or almost mastered) is walking. It’s taken him a long time to get here, which is weird because he has been walking while pushing something long before his first birthday. If you held his hand he would run everywhere, but the second you let go, he was on the floor.
He started walking on his own and then stopped walking on his own 3 separate times before he built up enough courage to go it alone. Now he is a man with a mission.
I love how he walks around the house going into drawers, pulling things out and then carrying whatever he has found around with him. So far his favourite items are my leopard print change purse, a necklace made of plastic beads and a little stuffed sheep.
He also loves riffling through Chad and my bed side tables which are filled with random knick knacks. This always buys us an extra 15 minutes in the morning while we lay in bed and he sorts through all the interesting stuff we have crammed in there.
Seeing him run around is my most favourite thing ever.