Last night I attended the party for the Top 30 Mom Bloggers in Vancouver. I’m going to call a spade a spade here (because that’s what I love to do) and say that I am not a mom blogger. I am a blogger who also happens to be a mom.
I was very honoured to be nominated as one of the top 30 mom bloggers in Vancouver. I was honoured that people voted for me. I was honoured that I got to attend the wonderful party and receive amazing goodies. But, I felt out of place. Not just because I am an introvert and going to a party with no security blanket where I know no one is the last thing in this world that I want to do, but because I am not a mom blogger. And I am OK with that.
It was a weird experience as I entered a room full of beautiful woman in pretty dresses and heels looking their best. I was standing their in jeans and a blouse sweating my butt off because I was dressed more for a Winter party than a Summer party. Normally I would have felt so uncomfortable that I didn’t fit in with everyone else, but as I stood there and looked around the room, I realized I really didn’t care. I didn’t care that I was in jeans and everyone else was all dolled up. I didn’t care that everyone had cute little blog names about being a mom and I had a name tag that said SMELLY DANIELLY. For the first time I realized just how comfortable I felt being myself.
In the world of bloggers, I felt so old in comparison to everyone else; like I’d been around the block a million times. I mean, I’ve been blogging for 10 years. 10 freaking years. That is just ridiculous to think about.
“Back in my day” all we cared about was meeting other bloggers who were obsessed with Matt Good. That was the whole reason any of this got started. Matt Good had a blog, we liked his music so we started blogs and we all connected with each other sharing that one similar thread. I didn’t start this blog to regale stories of motherhood in hopes of connecting with other mothers. I started this blog with a love for Matt Good and his music in hopes of connecting with other fans. That’s where I belong.
Now, don’t get me wrong. It was super cool that I was included in this wonderful group of woman who love being moms, I’m just different from them.
Being an introvert, I am not one who goes out in search of social gatherings or different opportunities. So, I made a deal with myself that since I spend 95% of my time laying on my ridiculously small couch watching Gilmore Girl re-runs over and over and over again, that when an opportunity did present itself to me, I would take it, even if I felt totally out of my comfort zone. Every time this happens I stress about how uncomfortable I’m going to be and how awkward I’m probably going to feel until Chad tells me to stop and reminds me that I do this every time and every time I come home so happy that I ended up going through with it. Last night was no different.
Aside from coming away from the event with a feeling of security in my own skin, I was so thrilled that after years of reading her blog, I was finally able to connect with Hillary. As a fellow Thyroid Cancer fighter and mother of a crazy boy, we had a lot to talk about and ended up being each others “I don’t know anyone else here so do you just wanna stand here and chat all night? Great me to!”. It felt like I had known her forever, which happen with bloggers because it’s kind of like you have known them forever without having ever met them. I might try to convince her to hang out with me all the time and be my BFF because that’s not creepy at all.
So, in conclusion to this blog post that has no real purpose other than to record that weird stream of thoughts going through my head right now, I am glad I took the time to do something outside of my comfort zone and I’m glad I realized that I don’t have to fit in to every situation I am thrown into, and that’s OK.
One of the things I love about our house is that it is surrounded by trees. Does that mean everything I own is covered in pine needles? Yes. Does that mean I live in a shady forest were all the plants I like can not grow? Yes. Does it irritate Chad that he can’t bask in the sunlight every night? Yes. But I don’t care.
I agree that some of the trees in our back yard need a little pruning. And I agree that it would be nice to actually grow some herbs on our deck (even though I attempt to every year and they never really do all that well). But that doesn’t mean I am prepared to change the entire landscape of our house.
The neighbours to the west of us recently sold their house. I briefly met the new neighbours one day (they haven’t officially moved in yet) and they expressed to me their desire to cut down the trees on their property. Their biggest concern was the large tree in their front lawn, the exact tree Matteo and Chad are walking under in the picture above. Their concern is that the power lines run through the branches, though they have never caused any problems.
Last week the city came by and chopped the tree down. Our front yard now looks entirely different. My mildly sunny front yard is now blazed with sun all day long. Do the tomato plants love it? Yes. Do I? No.
The more I look at the pictures the more I miss the tree and the angrier I get about the fact that it is gone. I never realized I was so attached to this tree until it was cut down.
I am literally sitting here fuming over the fact that I will never be able to take shady beautiful pictures like this again BECAUSE THE TREE IS GONE.
I now honestly hate the way the front yard feels now. No shade means no atmosphere. No ambiance. No curb appeal. Just a stupid boring sun drenched driveway.
I’M SO ANGRY.
I have half a mind to plant a tree in the same area just on our side of the property line so that I can get my shade back and they won’t be able to do anything about it.
I feel a lot better about things today than I did yesterday. Maybe I just needed 24 hours to digest all the information that was given to me.
I think one of the other things I was focusing on that was bumming me out was that my family doctor suggested I wait until I get a clean 6 month check up before trying to have another baby. While it’s not too far off from when we were already thinking it’s still far off enough that it doesn’t put me in control of the situation. This really bothered me, especially if for some reason the test does not come back clean and having a baby is postponed yet again. He said I was welcome to contact the Gynecologist who preformed the procedure for a second opinion since she deals with this sort of thing every day and I think I will probably do that. I don’t want to have a baby tomorrow, but I also don’t want to wait until the end of the year. That was not a part of my plan. Not that anything that has happened to me in the past two years has been a part of my plan. I guess that’s life, right?
It’s interesting to me that after having thyroid cancer I honestly never thought about it again. I never worried that it would come back. I never worried about anything health related. I mean the whole Matteo pregnancy ordeal was stressful and worrisome but it never affected me like the past six months has affected me. First worrying about the possibility of having breast cancer then finding out I didn’t but would have to have surgery anyways and would have to be watched for the rest of my life. Then worrying that I had cervical cancer and having procedures and being watched closely and all of that has really affected me a lot more than I would have ever imagined.
Maybe it’s everything combined together. Thyroid cancer, crazy pregnancy, crazy birth, crazy hospital stay, possible breast cancer, possible cervical cancer; everything compiled together has finally shot my nervous system.
I hope I can mentally start to heal now. I don’t want to have to waste any more time and emotion on this stuff than I already have.
After three excruciatingly long weeks I met with my doctor yesterday to discuss the results of my most recent biopsy. Once again I went in for one thing and came out with information for another.
The biopsy was all clear so I worried myself sick for nothing, but that’s what I do, so I can’t really blame myself.
As for the tissue they removed during my Leep procedure, there was a small spot of cancer but it was isolated and my markers came back clear so I have nothing to worry about.
I should have come away from this appointment with a smile on my face and abundant joy radiating through my body, but I didn’t. I couldn’t really figure out why I wasn’t happy until this morning.
Today my friend Hillary posted this article. This is why I can’t breath after I have a biopsy. This is why half of my days are spent is sheer panic. I never realized how much stress I am constantly under until I read this article and actually thought about it.
Cancer is always there, just waiting to pop it’s head out again.
The fact that there was actual cancer found in my cervix takes away every bit of joy I might have felt about the biopsy being clear or the fact that I have “nothing to worry about”.
I no longer get to live a life where I have “nothing to worry about”. It’s been 6 years since that was taken away from me.
I will have to have bloods tests multiple times a year for the rest of my life to watch my Thyroid levels and to look for cancer.
I will have to have mammograms every year for the rest of my life to look for cancer.
I will have to have pap tests every year for the rest of my life to look for cancer.
I started out this year only having one, and within 6 months, I got to add two more to my list.
While in this moment I have no more tests to do or biopsy’s to wait for, it is only a matte of time. That’s the unfortunate truth.
I don’t get to finish the chapter and close the book. I only get to put a in a bookmark until the next time I am forced to read.
This morning it was sunny and Matteo was running around the bed while Chad and I just laid there because today is the day my Mom comes to our house to watch him so I don’t have to get up as early to go to work. I felt relaxed for the first time all week. It made me want to go on vacation. Chad reminded me that we are going on vacation in less than 6 weeks. Oh yea, Finland!
Research has told me that there really isn’t a whole bunch to do in Finland and honestly, I’m thankful for that. It means there will be time to relax and I won’t be on the edge of my seat every day trying to make sure I pack 5000 experiences into every waking moment. My goal for the trip? Walks and picnics. I just want to hang out in the city and drink tea and enjoy the scenery and just be.
Saturday night I celebrated my 30th birthday with friends at Catch 122 in Gastown. Before that I met Chad (who was downtown taking a course) at the Cambie for a beer. When was the last time Chad and I went out in the afternoon by ourselves? Sure we get to go out at night and hang out with friends which is always fun, but to do something just the two of us? It felt amazing. Maybe because of everything that is going on right now and the dark cloud that looms over my head (I called the doctor. Still no results). Maybe because there is something magical about the Cambie on a sunny afternoon (yes, I just said that). Maybe because it reminded me of the old days (nostalgia and I are BFFs).
So, what I am saying is, I feel stressed and heavy and what I want to feel is care free and light.