but im in bed and my brain wont shut off…it keeps thinking and thinking and going over things and making me worry about stuff i really dont want/have to worry about…its driving me crazy…

i feel out of sorts tonight and im not really sure why…just feel lost with out a direction…i did a total of nothing tonight and every time i tried to find something to amuse myself i just became bored…i cant rest…i feel uneasy…its all rather bizzare…

but ive come to several realizations about myself tonight…one which stands out most is that i find myself not asking questions because i am scared of the answer…id rather just sit in ignorance but have everything be ok…i can see myself 10 years from now being that person who turns the other way pretending that everythings ok when really its not but shes just to scared to do anything about it…sometimes i worry that the answers that come out will be to hard to deal with or something that i dont want to hear…and thats pretty pointless to worry about since i have no idea what the answers would be…i never asked questions the last time…i never fought for what i wanted…i just always smiled and nodded and hoped that eventually things would change…but in the end thats what made me mad the most was how i had let myself down…how i didnt do it the way i wanted it…how i didnt stand up for myself…

maybe its a build up of having asked so many questions before and gotten so many bad answers back…i think im just doubting my own strength really…so many things have been thrown at me over the years and i havent broken yet so why would i now…or any time soon for that matter…

i dont know where any of this came from…or what it has to do with anything but its just been going through my head all night long…so out of the blue and so random…but then thats my brain for you…