during the most stressful times of my life the one person i had wanted to turn to most wasnt their…basically because that person was the cause or connected to the cause of all that stress…different stresses, different people, but same situation…i was going crazy and they werent there to hold my hand and tell me it would be alright…

years of dealing with things on my own…years of yearning for that one person to be there no matter what…years of having no one but myself…

of course i had friends who were there but for the most part i wasnt able to tell anyone was was going on…basically because the stresser was embarrassed about the happenings or because everything had to be kept a secret…so they were safe with their secret kept and i sat alone and tortured not able to express myself to anyone…the odd time it was all too much and i would have to talk to someone…someone so disconnected from my life that i could tell them a little of the story all in code to see what their response would be…but for the most part it was me, my pillow, and my midnight tears not being able to turn to that one person i wanted to turn to…the one person who was suppose to be my rock…

so now because of all that i have trained myself to deal with everything…i have convinced myself that not asking for help shows maturity…i know i could survive on my own one way or another…i have had to be the rock in so many situations but now i am starting to crumble and realize that now i need a rock…i need to allow myself to rely on someone else for the support and affection i’ve always needed…

i never want to burden people with my problems…i dont want to sit there and cry and freak out and have to drag someone else down with me…but maybe thats all a misconception…and instead of bringing them down they would bring me up…

4 years of university are coming to an end…17 years of school are finally over…one fashion show to show to make or break everything…and as predicted im starting to freak out…im so overwhelmed i just dont know what to do with myself…

i think its finally time i let myself crumble beside my rock…