I got 5 hours of sleep last night which is a bit nuts. So you can guess just how tired I am this morning. I figured I was safe though, because I threw on a hoodie and hopped to work knowing that Alicia and I would be the only ones in the office today. Alas, we just got a call from the Boss saying she was coming by this afternoon. Damn.

I brought leftovers from last night for Alicia and I to hork on today. 7 layer dip and Marlee’s amazing Cheesecake Brownies. Sweet Jesus its the only thing getting me through this day.

There was so much food last night…

• Potato Skins – Me
• Bacon Spinach Dip – Me
• Fresh Salsa – Marlee
• Cheesecake Brownies – Marlee
• Apple Strudel Baked Goodness – Elise
• 7 Layer Dip – Francesca

Needless to say we stuffed ourselves silly. I guess its also a bonus when your Husband tells you that the Potato Skins you made were perfect. Too bad they take about a million hours of your time making them from scratch. I have sooo many dishes to clean up tonight. The dishwasher only fit so much.

The boys all piled around the TV to watch Hockey and the girls piled around the table to talk all things girly. Chad called it the Hen Coop. It was true. We asked Francesca 101 questions about pregnancies and giving birth because she is working in the Maternity Ward right now. It was a very informative session. It was also great having Ophelia come over. She only lives 5 blocks away but we never see each other. How crazy we are.

Tonight we’ve got dinner at my Nonnas and I am sure she is going to comment now how I look like crap and ask if I am feeling well these day in which I will have to lie and respond that I am fine I just woke up late so that she doesn’t worry more then she normally does.

Oh sweet sweet 7 layer dip. How I love thee.

- – -

I’m not going to lie. This song is my current obsession.

I’m beat. All of a sudden. And its 11am.

As predicted, I am back to my normal self. I’ve gotten over the shock of Tuesday, and the anxiety of continuing to tell everyone on Wednesday and have settled back into my old self.

I don’t know if I am just living in denial or what. At the same time its hard living in denial when the truth is staring you right in the face. I guess what I feel is that I am not going to sit here and worry about it because that will do nothing, and when the next surgery date comes up and I am sitting in that hospital bed again I will face it then. There is nothing I can do now, and really there’s not even anything I can do then, this is all out of my hand.

But as I’ve said to several people who have asked me how I am doing, I am getting on with it. What good does it to do sit here and be mopy? Does it help? No. Sure there are those times when I will be sitting on the couch watching TV and I will remember my situation and realize how much it sucks but those moments will pass. I can’t stop living my life.

I don’t want people to worry about me and look at me with pity in their eyes. I am fine, the bad stuff is already out. I want life to go back to normal. There is no need to walk on pins and needles around me I am good! Honestly. Lets just sit back and have fun and forget any of this has even happened.

I got a lot of stuff done last night but that’s only because my parents came over and I had to look busy and not procrastinate on the computer every 5 minutes. I should have them come over every time I need to be productive. I had quite a bit to catch up on since Tuesday night was a disaster. That and I always put such stress on myself when people come over that everything in the apartment needs to be exactly perfect, when in reality, I don’t think any of my friends care when they come over to watch a Hockey game whether or not the books on the shelf are in the proper order or if there is a pile of filing on my desk. Tonight I just have to sweep the floors and make some appys and I am home free.

I’ve recieved a lot of emails and comments and messages over the past few days. I appriciate them all <3. I’ve gotten through all my facebook messages and now have to start on my emails. Thankfully I have little to no work to do today. Score!

I went to the specialist yesterday for my follow up appointment. I forgot to mention it because it really wasn’t on my mind at all. I was told by the receptionist that if they found anything negative they would probably call me and move up my appointment instead of making me wait 3 weeks. So I figured no new was good new. WRONG.

Because I had no inclination that anything was going to go wrong I went to the appointment by myself. No Chad, no Mom, just me. I figured he would look at the scar, say everything was good and I would be out of there.

I went into his office. He looked at the scar and said ‘It looks great! Too bad we need to do this again’. I’m sorry WHAT?

At that exact moment I went into shock. I just sat there.

He proceeded to tell me that the test results came back and I have Papillary Thyroid Cancer. I will have to go back in for surgery in May to remove the other half of my Thyroid, then I will have to go on Hormone Replacement pills for the rest of my life. I just about puked.

I just sat there saying “ok…..ok…..sure”. He asked me if I had any questions and I just sat there staring at him. How the hell am I suppose to formulate questions right now when you just told me I have/had Cancer?

I guess the technical aspect of it is that I DID have Cancer. The lumps they removed tested positive for it and the removal of the other side of the Thyroid is a mandatory precautionary method. But that still doesn’t make me feel any better.

He went on about other things but I really have no idea what he said. I couldn’t process it all.

He kept down playing the aspect of Cancer saying that its the best one to have and lots of people have gone through this before, including his secretary. That’s great and all, but he was also the one that said I  had a 5% chance of actually HAVING Cancer.

All I could think about sitting there was that I now had to go home and drop this bomb on Chad. I had to call my parents and tell them. They had to call all the people who had been asking and tell them. It was going to be a disaster. Everyone figured I was fine because I hadn’t heard anything and now this. I couldn’t handle it. I just wanted it to go away.

I acted calm and brave and he asked me if I have a clam personality. “No” I replied. I am Italian. I should be waving my hands and over reacting at this point.

I left his office and sat in the waiting room waiting to fill out the same paper work I did the last time. It must have started to sink in, the news of what was going to happen, because my domineer changed, and they could tell. The secretary tried to re-assure me and the specialist came out to do the same, but it was no help. I just wanted to get the hell out of there.

Chad kept messaging me to see if everything was ok, but there was no way I could tell him via Txt. My heart was breaking.

I finally got home and told him. He was just as much in shock as I was. I phoned my parents and told them as well. Then the news started to spread amongst the family and everyone started phoning me and I put on my brave voice and they cried to me on the phone. I think everyone is at a loss.

I think it is such a shock to everyone because we really thought that everything was ok and had no indication that there was anything wrong and now it feels like we are back a square one.

I remember saying to Chad a few days after surgery that I better not have to do this again. It was one of the worst experiences of my life and here I am about to face it again. I can’t even believe it.

I just sat there in a mist last night. I had a massive head ache from all the crying and worryingand thinking. The only thing I could stomach to eat of a piece of cheese and pine nuts. How friggin random.

I just don’t want people to make a big deal about this. I don’t want people to have to worry about me. I just want it to be all done and over with so we never have to talk about this again. I don’t want to be a burden.

I don’t really know about how I feel. My head is too complicated to actually assess all the information and come to a conclusion for myself. It will take me a few days to process and then I will be back to normal, ready to fight.

Like Chad kept saying last night, I’ve done this once, I can do it again.

I have never been a fan of St. Patrick’s day. I’m not really sure why this is but and an Irish pub is the last place I want to be right now.

I am also not a fan of Irish music but I blame that on one too many visits to the Blarney Stone. If I have to sing about green alligators and unicorns one more time I think I am going to shoot myself.

I’ve had discussions with Irish folks before to try and figure out why I have such a dislike for all things Irish. Its not like I had a bad experience with an Irish guy or anything of that nature. And its not that I am at all racist to Irish people or think they are horrible or anything, its more about their culture. It drives me nuts. Leprechauns, WTF? Green Beer? Four Leaf Clovers?

It’s probably just an Italian thing. Maybe its because the Irish are so proud of their heritage just the same as Italians are which make us clash. We like Red Wine, they like Green Beer. Could we BE any more different?

I found this excerpt from a Sopranos episode I once watched. It fits my theory of Italians clashing with the Irish perfectly.

Episode 22, entitled “From Where to Eternity,” is written by one of the series’ stars, Michael Imperioli who plays Christopher Moltisanti, Tony Soprano’s nephew. This episode focuses on Christopher as he recovers in the hospital from multiple gunshot wounds. He survives, but at one point, goes into cardiac arrest and is clinically dead for one minute. After the doctors revive him, he calls in Tony and Paulie to inform them that while he was dead he went to Hell. Christopher’s vision of Hell: an Irish bar that exists in a perpetual St. Patrick’s Day celebration and where his father gets whacked every day.

That describes how I feel, except for the whole father getting whacked bit.

But its ok because I am sure the Irish hate the Italians, and thats fair enough. I’ve found enough messages boards discussing who would win – The Italian Mafia or Irish Mob in a gang war.

In the end I really just think it comes down to all my Irish Pub experiences and how many of them ended with me being annoyed or angry or just in a bad mood. Ha. Clearly, I am just not a fan of getting wasted while wearing green in a pub full of hooligans.

But Happy St. Patrick’s day to all the Irish out there. Enjoy yourself. Get Drunk. I just won’t be joining in.

And next year when its World Cup you can go back to hating Italians and the pride and obsession we have for their Italian Soccer team and how we like to rub it in everyones faces while drinking Red Wine and eating pasta.

It all evens out in the end!

There is not much to blog about this side of the computer screen. My stomach has been acting up the past few days and right now I am just trying not to move so it will calm down and digest and not get mad with me.

I organized the closet and drawers on Saturday. I had a bag full of clothes to give away and a bag of clothes that I do not wear anymore but have chosen to keep for memento purposes that I will store at my parents house and fondly reminisce about 5 years from now. I have realized that clothing and fashion has become disposable to me because I have the opportunity to purchase really fashionable pieces each season, basically for free, so I wear them a lot and then get tired of them quickly. Because I know that I got these things for free I have no problem pushing them to the wayside. While that seems to happen more and more these days, I will have to say that the majority of clothing I have gotten from work I still have and its slowly helping me  figuring out where I fit in this whole world of fashion. Yes, I still haven’t figured where I fit in, but the purchasing of some classic pieces is guiding me, FINALLY, to my spot. I guess it also doesn’t help that I change looks every few years. I think I have finally gotten rid of all my Punk/Skater clothes.

I bought $70 worth of candles at Ikea on Sunday. Hopefully that will last us a few months. Actually it should last us longer now that the days are getting longer. We can not get enough of candle light.

Screw fluorescent lighting.

I woke up this morning at 2:30 because Chads cell was beeping like crazy trying to tell me it was dying and of course Chad would never get up to turn it off so I had to. I went back to bed and tossed and turned for half an hour as my stomach was paining me. I finally got up and thought that a trip to the bathroom might do me some good. It did except I had one of those moments where you are there and then all of a sudden you have to puke so you have to whip around. I know, not a pretty sight. But that is exactly what happened to me. Most strangly. I barley even puked but I guess going through the motions made my stomach happy. So strange. I then woke up at 5 because Chad got up to go to the bathroom too (such a bizzare night) and I was over heating and sweating and I couldn’t cool down so I had to get up and get something to drink. Such a restless sleep. Chad said he didn’t fall alseep until 4am and we went to bed at 11.

Chad thinks I need rest and relaxation because I’ve been feeling sick but going mental around the house trying to clean up dry wall dust and stucco messes. Its true, I have been going mental. It just seems like all of a sudden there is SO much to do. I’ve given up on working from home. It’s stressing me out and it’s not worth it. Tonight I think I will force myself to hang out on the couch and not try and do a million things at once.

Marlee I am going to make the Bacon Spinich Dip and Potato Skins for Thursday, just so you know. Thursday is another Hocky Night at the Ciavarros.

Tonight is Stir Fry Night. It’s been a while.

I live for food.

I’ve planned out all my dinners for the week.

I rule!

I don’t know where last night went. Chad got home before me and I was totally ill prepared. I was going to make myself a salad, clean up a  bit and then sit on the couch scrap booking waiting for him to get home. Instead, he came home early and I ended up telling stories for four hours straight.

I didn’t have anything planned so I grabbed some leftover chicken, whipped it up, made him a salad and gave it to him. My dinner was going to take a little longer to make and he was starving so I told him to just start on dinner and I would get to the table eventually. Well, I ended up making my favorite bean salad which has to chill in the fridge for an hour, so in the mean time I decided to unload the dishwasher and clean up but was then reminded of 30 things I had to tell Chad so I stood there in front of the table waving around a cutting board ranting about 3 million subjects instead of actually getting on with my evening. I was so frenzied with what I had to tell him that I was talking a million miles a minute and didn’t finally shut up to eat dinner until 8 pm. Srsly. And the only reason I stopped to eat was because Chad said I wasn’t allowed to tell any more stories until I finally ate something. So I did, and then I carried on.

Anyways, I blabbed for a good 4 hours and at 9:30 was finally exhausted of talking and was able to sit and relax for 5 minutes, but by that time it was too late to do anything I had planned. I have no idea what got into me, its not even like this week was exciting but it felt like he had been gone for so long and I had a lot of things to bitch about. Ha.

This weekend is going to be a combination of busy but not. Busy because Chad is going to fix the hole in the wall and I am going to take a bunch of work projects home that I want to completely finish this weekend so I can get some extra moola for it, and not busy because we actually aren’t going anywhere this weekend other then the Perizzolos house on Sunday to play some Italian games.

I feel very anxious about all the things I want to get done this weekend. I just want to go home now and get started on everything. No dilly dallying this evening.

I’m still riding the frenzied waved from last night.

I’m buying a crap load of shirts from work today which means that when I get home I need to re organize my shirt drawers and get rid of stuff. This excites me but I have a feeling its going to take forevers. I got a lot of old stuff I need to replace, hence the purchasing of a million shirts. This should make for some fun out fit putting together. I will have to experiment with all my new clothes this weekend.

This post just feels frazzled.

It’s hard to imagine how cold it is outside right now because my window is acting like a green house and I am quite toasty. Chads probably going to read that and curse me because he keeps complaining about -10 degree weather in the wack. At least he comes home tonight and can cuddle up next to someone warm, ie. ME.

Matt and I went for sushi last night at the little place across the street from the apt. I swear if Chad actually liked Japanese food we would be there every weekend. Its so good and not expensive so we always stuff ourselves silly. The place is owned by this Japanese family and my brother and I went to school with their kids. My friend was actually working last night so she came up to say Hi. I hadn’t seen her in 6 years (my God I graduated Highschool 6 years ago) so we chatted about life and everything. We hung out in with the same group of friends in grade 11 and 12 but both of us drifted away from everyone when we graduated. I did mainly because the group was made up of all my ex-boyfriends friends and that’s how I was connected to them, so when we broke up I was out of there. She is the cuttest little Japanese girl in the whole world though and every time she sees my mom they chat and it seems like even though her and I haven’t seen each other in so long our other family members constantly run into each other. I’m pretty sure my brother hangs out with hers quite a bit. Just before we left she brought out free green tea ice cream for us to have. It was so sweet of her.

After we consumed copious amounts of sushi and tofu and noodles and everything Japanese we headed over to Metrotown where I picked up my much anticipated Plaid Shirt from Aritzia. It is so beautiful, but then again I am bias to plaid. The one thing that bugs me about plaid tops though is that no matter how much I love them I always feel like I look like a boy in them. Mainly because the ones I have bought in the past were too big on me and I got lost in them and DID look like a boy. I made sure to get one that was as tight as I could get it so it would showed off the lack of curves that I have. I then began to think that it totally depends what you pair with a plaid shirt that makes it either look more boyish or more girlish; if you have your hair up or down, if you wear flats or sneakers. I then realized I was probably over thinking the hell out of how I should wear a plaid shirt.

After the plaid decision we made a pit stop to Lush where I ogled over all the delicious bath bombs and soaps and yummi smelling treats. Since I was unable to shower for the first half of my recovery I took many baths and it totally turned me onto the whole bath experience. I had a gift basket from L’Occtaine that a friend had gotten me ages a go but I never opened it. I finally did last week and it unwrapped my desire to create amazing baths. I didn’t buy anything at Lush I just wanted to see what they had since I had never been in there. I am so going back and blowing tons of money on bath bits. If you wanted to get me a present now you know where to go. After the pit stop we went to our final destination to get fresh cinnamon buns. Oh sweet Jesus that was the perfect ending to the evening. We brought them back to the apartment and ate them while watching the early showing of Letterman. Perfection.

Chad just messaged me and I think he is actually almost home which throws things off because I wasn’t expecting him home until after dinner and so I have nothing planned or pulled out for dinner for him, just for me. Humm, I am in a bit of a pickle. Oh well, at least I’ve got him back! Score one for Team Ciavarro.