I normally don’t like talking about it on here but it has consumed all of my thoughts for weeks now.

I’ve spent a lot of time talking with friends and family about jobs. Their jobs, my job, every one’s job. And for some reason, at the end of all these conversations I am left feeling completely disheartened about my situation.

Like with any job, my position has its plus’ and it has its minus’, and lately the minus’ have been bothering me a lot more then they ever have. All I can think about is finding something new, finding something exciting, finding something with a change of pace. But as much as I want to get out there and see what else there is, a part of me thinks these feelings are somewhat miss placed. What I really think the problem is, is that I don’t feel like I am getting compensated enough for what I do and therefore I don’t feel like putting any effort into my job and it has become very boring. I could be doing a lot more but I don’t want to because I don’t feel like they think I am worth it.

I know that this is my own fault. It has been over a year and a half since my last raise and I am long over due for another one. Part of me is terrified to ask for one and the other part of me just can’t seem to find the right timing. I’m not going to lie but this whole Cancer thing has screwed a lot of stuff up. I was going to ask for a raise at the beginning of the year but then I was constantly having to leave work for Doctors appointments and then surgery and then more appointments and on and on and it just felt wrong asking for more money when I was constantly having to leave or not be at work. But, maybe that’s just an excuse I gave myself.

As far as finding a new job goes, its also probably not the best time, economically and personally. In just over a year I will be taking a month long trip to Italy and I’m sure pretty soon after that will be knocked up and on maternity leave. Is there really any point in starting a new job only to work there for a year and then basically leave? If this job was horribly awful then of course yes, but the fact is its not. Plus, most jobs out there like you to have 3 or more years experience in the fashion industry so why and I trying to cut myself short of that?

The fact of the matter is that this job is close to home, I’m in the field I want to be in, the majority of the people I work with I love to death, I get to spend a lot of time blogging (ha) and they are pretty flexible with me. The cons are that I don’t get paid nearly enough, I don’t feel challenged anymore, and the part of me that really cared about this company is starting to fade at an alarming rate. But is that enough to make it worth changing jobs?

If you were to ask me what my ideal job would be I could answer it in a second. It’s not what you expect (unless it is, ha). I don’t want to be a designer, and I don’t want to be a fashionista. I don’t want to become world famous or make millions of dollars. All I want to do is stay home with my kids and take care of them, then pop over to my little sewing room in the corner and spend hours with brightly coloured threads and leftover buttons and scraps of printed fabric and make hand sewn things. Be it puppets or felt figurines or quilts or babies clothes and then sell them at markets and fairs like some leftover hippy from the 70s, or maybe a fun boutique with interesting pieces . I adore the delicate work of hand stitching. I love crafts and as a kid always made my own purses and little stitching projects. Its all about attention to detail for me not about mass production. Thinking about it right now makes me incredibly happy. I know I could start my own company and it would be amazing. But this is a dream, of course, and will have to wait.

So is it so bad that I spend my time here, saving up for the days where I get to take the kids to the park and then come home and make an entire bear family out of plaid scraps and felt?

Now that I think about it, maybe not.