The closer it gets to Italy time, the more anxiety I feel.

I have been failing miserably in the last little while when it comes to work place anxiety. I can not tell you how many nights I have spent sleepless, mind racing, unable to think about anything else.

There is a lot of stuff I want to get done before I head out for a month. A lot of the stuff I have already finished up, but there are still things that lag behind, that I have not been able to attack quite yet, mostly because I am waiting on other people.

I know I put a lot of pressure on myself because I am always in a state of wanting to please everyone and never wanting to get in trouble. I swear I spend most of my days as a 5 year old kid looking for praise and hiding from punishment. I don’t really know why I’m like that.

I cripple under the fear of getting in trouble, even for the smallest thing.

I know I build things up in my head. I know I over dramatize almost every situation I’m in. I know everything turns out alright in the end, I just need to keep telling myself that.

Claudia warned be that the last month before going away on a big vacation like this is death. The pressure mounts for you to get the most amount of work humanly possible done so that it will be smooth sailing for everyone else in the office. I knew it was coming, and so far, I’ve handled it great. I want to get things done, I want to make it easy for everyone, but there is part of me that feels no matter how much I prepare, there will still be things that come up that I ‘should have done’. It’s hard to explain. I know there are people on my side, but I also know there are people ‘against me’. It’s those people that I am letting get to me.

This trip has been a struggle since the moment I started planning it.

I can’t control everything. I can’t be your security blanket forever.

There is going to be a meeting this week to make sure everything is set in place for when I leave. I am striving to make their minds explode with just how much I have done in preparation. Then, just maybe, everyone will be on my side.