I panicked last night when I was looking at pictures of the front of the house and realized that when we change out all the windows and trim them out in white it is going to clash / conflict with the decorative trim already on the house. This is the problem with renovating a house. You start to change out one thing and then it leads to something else and before you know it you ‘HAVE’ to change out everything.
I guess that’s how its going to be from now on. The struggle of what to do next. We have a little bit of money so do we fix up the bathroom or do we go on vacation? Do we landscape the backyard or do we throw a big party? Naturally I want every now, but that mentality just leads to stress. The stress of figuring out how you can possibly do everything you want to do with limited funds.
It also leads into the stress of, do we keep working on the house or do we have a family? We are running out of ‘excuses’. It made sense to wait until we had a house before we started our family. There was no room in the apartment and that would have been a disaster. Plus there was the year of Cancer and everything else that life threw at us. But now we have a house, so do we make the excuse that we need to renovate EVERYTHING before we jump into the life changing experience of children?
In my head everything is magical and we live in a beautiful house with a large family and a bunch of dogs, but the thought of actually taking a step in that direction scares the crap out of me. I never talk about kids. I never bring up the subject. I shy away from any conversation about it, not because I don’t want a family, but because it scares me.
There, I admit it, I am totally freaked out at the thought of having kids even though I have always wanted them. I mean, what if my kids grow up to be assholes?
I have said this many times before, bring over a basket full of puppies and I will go nuts. Bring over a basket full of babies and, meh, their just babies. It’s not because I don’t love kids and it’s not because I don’t want a family, it’s because I don’t know how to emotionally let my guard down and become a baby crazy lady. I know this sounds crazy but its because I AM CRAZY! I am scared and so I just shut myself off.
Chad and I have talked about this many times and even though we love the life we lead we know we will regret not having children no matter how scary it all seems right now. And I get that I’m not the only one, I’m sure many people get totally freaked out, but everything in life is going to change and I don’t think I can mentally prepare myself for that. I guess we just have to bite the bullet and take the plunge. As Papa Rossi says, I gotta build a bridge and get over it!