Today

PJs
Soup
Hot Tea
Candle Light

We had to drive out to Coquitlam to drop off the car to get fixed. For some reason we took the highway. Most painful moment of my life. Right then and there I decided I am never moving to Surrey. If I had to do that every day I would explode.

The soup wasn’t as filling as I thought it was going to be. So hungry.

After tomorrow I should be able to think straight.

The closer it gets to Italy time, the more anxiety I feel.

I have been failing miserably in the last little while when it comes to work place anxiety. I can not tell you how many nights I have spent sleepless, mind racing, unable to think about anything else.

There is a lot of stuff I want to get done before I head out for a month. A lot of the stuff I have already finished up, but there are still things that lag behind, that I have not been able to attack quite yet, mostly because I am waiting on other people.

I know I put a lot of pressure on myself because I am always in a state of wanting to please everyone and never wanting to get in trouble. I swear I spend most of my days as a 5 year old kid looking for praise and hiding from punishment. I don’t really know why I’m like that.

I cripple under the fear of getting in trouble, even for the smallest thing.

I know I build things up in my head. I know I over dramatize almost every situation I’m in. I know everything turns out alright in the end, I just need to keep telling myself that.

Claudia warned be that the last month before going away on a big vacation like this is death. The pressure mounts for you to get the most amount of work humanly possible done so that it will be smooth sailing for everyone else in the office. I knew it was coming, and so far, I’ve handled it great. I want to get things done, I want to make it easy for everyone, but there is part of me that feels no matter how much I prepare, there will still be things that come up that I ‘should have done’. It’s hard to explain. I know there are people on my side, but I also know there are people ‘against me’. It’s those people that I am letting get to me.

This trip has been a struggle since the moment I started planning it.

I can’t control everything. I can’t be your security blanket forever.

There is going to be a meeting this week to make sure everything is set in place for when I leave. I am striving to make their minds explode with just how much I have done in preparation. Then, just maybe, everyone will be on my side.

Things that occurred in our apartment this weekend due to the heat…

1. Chads deoderant melted so when he went to use it and pulled the top off it exploded all over the bathroom.
2. The Steri Strips and tape covering my sliced up thumb (Yes, I had another kitchen/knife accident) got way too hot causing the glue that holds them down to melt and spread all over my thumb. I now have a gross, sticky, dirty thumb.
3. While adjusting the fan on Saturday, it moved in such a way that the blades hit the metal case they spin around in and shattered into a million pieces; right in Chads face. I was not home for this, but I got the play by play. His face is ok, the fan, not so much. We are still finding plastic shards everywhere.
4. Due to the fact that our fan broke and our apartment is literally a sauna, there was no sleep Saturday night. There were, however, many 3am freezies and panic attacks that the heat was actually suffocating me. FUN! We ended up just getting up at 9am, despite our lack of sleep, just so we could drive around in Chads air conditioned car.
5. The heat in the apartment cause presure to build up in my purfume bottle which caused it to explode purfume out the top little nozzle thing and out everywhere. Sure the bathroom now smells nice, but my expensive purfume is almost all gone. F U SUMMER.
6. Our ghetto fridge can not handle this heat and has been working overtime, which means it sounds like a Semi Truck is driving through our kitchen for hours. I kid you not.
7. The new fan we got to replace the old one is 10 times more powerful. This is positive when it’s hot out and you want to cool down, but it is negative when you are trying to sleep. The lowest speed on this thing is faster and louder then the top speed of the old one. It was so loud this morning that I couldn’t even hear my alarm. I just can’t win.
8. The amount of things that have exploded, melted,  and died, all due to the heat in our apartment is overwhelming. I’m pretty sure Chad and I will be next.

It’s kind of weird that it all of a sudden feels like November. It’s also kind of weird that the weather outside takes up so much of my thought and conversation.

I went to bed late Saturday night. 3am late. Chad fell asleep on the couch and I didn’t wake him. I don’t know why he came home and decided to lay on the couch and not the bed, but that’s where he ended up, so I let him be. I can never function properly after a night of going to bed at 3am. It didn’t help that I had some very bizarre dreams as well. I don’t know why the people you hate have to pop into your dreams and ruin your sleep. That’s just rude.

Yesterday we did nothing. All plans were canceled due to the rain. I would have liked to sleep on the couch all day. That was the kind of day it felt like.

We drove out to South Surrey for din din with the In-Laws. On our way out there Chad and I were talking about how it would be the perfect day for comfort food. I asked him what his idea of comfort food was. Lasagna was his dish of choice. Mine? Roast and potatoes. We got to the house, and low and behold Chads mom had read my mind. She basically made all of my favorite comfort food dishes. Roast Beef, Beer Can Chicken, Roasted Potatoes, Yorkshire Pudding, Green Beans, Egg Fried Zucchini, and Garlic Bread. DROOL. Of course, no matter how starving you are, it’s way too hard to eat all of that because comfort food is kind of heavy, but I was loving every minute of it. It’s so awesome when someone serves you what you are craving with out even knowing that you are craving it.

As soon as we got on the road for home, all the wine, and food, and late nights hit me and I was out like a light. I was hoping I would sleep like a rock, but all the weird dreams came back and I was tossing and turning all night long. It was not a good sleep by any means. I then woke up to my calf muscle cramping and I was in totally pain for 5 minutes. Thats the second time in a month it’s happened to me. It’s so sore now.

Humm…would it be weird if I got Chad to build a fire tonight? That is totally what I feel like.

A couple Fridays ago they had a free movie night up at SFU.

Out door movies are cute and fun, but I srsly need to bring a couch with me next time. I am not a hippie. I can not handle sitting on grass for hours on end with nothing to lean on! I do still love the idea though, and would definitely do it again.

We headed up to the mountain with our Pizani – Juliana, Sonia, Darren, & fam. It had been ages since we’ve seen them. We set up camp, chatted away as we waited for the sun to go down, and then snuggled up to watch Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.

It was lucky that we did end up getting together with our Italian Crew, because we chatted about Italy and Juliana and Sonia gave us the names of some great places to go to up North, since we are all from the same town (hence why I refer to them as my Pizani). It seems that every single Italian we know is going to Italy in the month of August. All of our Pizanis are going to be there and we are going to miss them all. Weird how that happens. I didn’t expect so many of them to be going this year, and I really didn’t expect them to all be there in August!

Aside from the Italy chit chat, the movie it’s self was so adorable! There were lots of families with young kids even though it was a late night movie outdoors. Such a great family event to do. Have a little picnic, then snuggle up under a blanket to watch a movie! My heart is melting!

The only down side to the whole thing (aside from it being somewhat uncomfortable) was that out of no where mosquitoes attacked us. The only part of my body that was exposed were my feet and I got eaten alive. I hate mosquitoes.

Since this was our first ever outdoor movie night, we obviously weren’t very prepared, so the only thing we brought was a blanket to sit on. Next time we go, I’m definitely going with a few extras.

1. Lawn chairs – No more sore butt!
2. Giant blanket to snuggle under – Even though it’s summer, it gets chilly at night.
3. More layers – Mosquitoes are never attacking me again!
4. Shoes – My toes froze.
5. Snacks & Drinks – For obvious reasons.

The next movie night we have planned is at David Lam Park where Fresh Air Cinema is presenting Back to the Future on August 8th. This I am excited about!

If you want more info on Movies that are playing for free around town you can ’LIKE’ the Facebook group for updates.

Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve.

Even though we didn’t go away this weekend, it feels we just got home from a long vacation and tomorrow is the first day back at work.

I hate that feeling.

This weekend wasn’t very exciting. Actually, this entire summer hasn’t been very exciting, but it’s ok, because I can’t expect every moment in life to be thrilling and blog worthy. Italy will be that for me, so I’m fine watching the season pass me by. I will not think back at it as a wasted summer, but rather a summer were lots of things happened, but nothing that was mind blowing. Small things, content moments, living for now.

I’ve kind of been in a weird state this summer. At work we are always working a head, and we are pretty much finished Fall 2010 and are half way though Holiday 2010. Even though its the same thing ever year, it still feels weird having a warehouse full of clothing you can’t wear yet because it is either too hot or too cold. It’s like we are always looking forward, so excited for what is to come, instead of focusing on what is right now. I will never get use to a room full of chunky sweaters when is 30 degrees outside.

When I stopped to think about this constant excitement for whats to come and not for what is, I realized, that this time around, I wasn’t caught up in it all. While everyone is planning their fall wardrobe and what new boots they are going to buy this coming season, I feel as though I want no part in it.

This is not just fashion related. I haven’t been looking ahead all summer long. Aside from Italy, which is obviously a planned moment in time that is coming and will need thought and preparation, I have not thought about what the next few days, weeks, months hold for me. I haven’t planned any summer dinners, no BBQs, no beach days. We half attempted a camping trip this weekend, but that fell apart. I haven’t felt the need to put the effort in this time around. Dates for 2 yes, dates for 20, not so much.

Maybe it’s my subconcious not wanting to look foward. Post Italy big changes are planned. Changes that have been talked about for years, but they were always years away. Now they are moments away. Maybe I am scared to face them. Not scared in the sense that they are bad things, but scared in the sense that, for the most part, change and I aren’t really friends. Sometimes I love it, but for the most part, not so much. Chad has been trying to convince me to get a new cell phone, but I won’t let go of my Razor. I don’t want it to change. I never realized how silly I was in regards to change until this cell phone conversation came up.

Change is exciting, and once I’m over the hump of excepting the change, I love the excitement. But, it is a big hump to get over.

I guess with all the pressure Italy brings, there is no need for me to wish for anything else this summer. While everyone posts pictures of their beach trips, and parties outside, I don’t really feel like I’m missing out. For some reason, this time, I don ‘t really care.

My whole family is at Manning Park this week, and Chad and I aren’t there. Chad is itching to find a way to join them, and me, well, it is what it is. I’m not too concerned about it.

Part of me feels weird that I don’t care that the summer is passing me by, and the other part of me just doesn’t care.

I’m happy in my moment.

While driving to Alicias the other night my car decided to stall twice as the light turned from Red to Green.

Once I finally got it up and running, the CHECK ENGINE light came on. Shit.

This has never happened to me before.

I was in panic mode until I go to where I was headed. I called my Dad, he said I had to call the dealership. Crap.

I got home, worried that the car was going to explode, but got home.

The dealership is swamped until Tuesday.

Every time I drive it I fear that something bad is going to happen. I’m right to think this considering every day since the car has attempted to stall while either in neutral, or while driving. Yea, does that make any sense to you?

This morning was probably the worst drive so far. Needless to say, I’m parking it until Tuesday.

This doesn’t bode well when part of my job is driving to factories.

For fack sakes.