I tend to live in the past. I count on my memories to put a smile on my face and warm my heart. It’s not that life is so horrible and I have nothing to look forward to therefore all I do is focus on the past, it’s just that sometimes you get in a funk, and life isn’t all that exciting and so you look back to a time that was good. It’s not that my past is better than my future, but there were good times, really good times, times that sometimes I wish I could re-live. How awesome would it be to go back in time and re-live one of your favorite days. Trying to recreate it never works, but if you could go back and do it all over again, how awesome would that be.

Chad never thinks about the past, probably because he can’t remember half of it. He is all about the future. I to would like to focus on the future but I find it so hard when I can’t picture it at all. I can’t picture us moving on from this spot. I’ve pictured it for so long with none of it coming true that I have just given up on the thought. I’ve tried to imagine what would happen, but disappointment after disappointment has left me here clueless, not knowing what to think.

Maybe its the tight hold I have on my past that inhibits me from moving on into the future. It’s not that I don’t want to move on, it’s that I am stuck. There is only so much I can do and change. Some of it has to come when the time is right, and I understand that. I want to move on but for right now I am here, stuck, so I might as well think about the days when life was good and things were awesome. When Chad and I first started dating, when Pat lived here, when I actually liked the Cambie, when I didn’t base my entire happiness on the apartment selling.

Thats probably why I am so obsessed with pictures and capturing every moment of fun. I am that person that spends hours looking back at pictures and smiling. I am in love with the past.

I just hope that something changes, something that makes me forget the past and gets me excited about the future.

I am not the most social person in the world. I can be very shy and my shiness can come across as snobbishness. I am not a snob (ok, sometimes I am). I am just a mute. I am not good at small talk. I’m not good at thinking of things to talk about on the spot. I’m not good around people I don’t know.

A lot of it has to do with comfort level. For example, a few weeks ago Chad and I went to my cousins birthday party at a pub and a small group of his guy friends were there. I didn’t know anyone but they were so inviting that I found myself chatting everyone up. Very unlike me, but I was comfortable in the situation and so the conversation flowed. I really enjoyed myself and would hang out with them again given the opportunity.

Probably the hardest event for me to attend, in terms of comfort level, is a party where everyone invited has known each other for a million years and has all this history together. They have all these things in common and all these things to talk about while I just sit there stunned with nothing to add to the conversation because I have no idea what they are talking about and I don’t know their history or all the funny stories they are telling and I feel like an idiot. I feel so uncomfortable that there is no chance of breaking me out of my shell and I become a lost cause.

What is the worst party situation? Going to party after party with the same people, half of which have never said a word to you and because you keep showing up at the same parties and you have been doing this for so long it would be totally awkward to finally go up to them, like 2 years after the fact, and formally introduce yourself and have a conversation with them. At least it would be totally awkward for me.

The most comfortable party situation for me is of course the small group. In this situation I feel as though I can be myself, feel comfortable and actually have a one on one conversation with someone. I find it much more manageable then a house party with 30 people where everyone is talking to everyone else and I am left on the couch all by myself feeling like a loser. Trust me, it’s happened before.

So the question is, if you are invited to a party where you know you probably won’t feel totally comfortable and social, do you go for the adventure and the possibility that you might have a lot of fun, or do you sit at home with season 2 of the Golden Girls?

I had Korean BBQ for the first time Saturday night. It was so damn good. I mean, really, how could it not be when you have an authentic Korean making it for you.

Pork Belly + Marinated Beef Short Ribs + Lettuce Wraps + Noodles + Rice + Veggies + Hot Sauce = AMAZINGNESS

I love trying new food. I’m not one to shy away from something that is ‘weird’ or unfamiliar. I want to try everything.

What I love about watching the Food Networks is the exposure I get to different foods and cuisines. I have basically created a Food Bucket List for myself consisting of things I want to try, food wise, before I die. Two new additions to that list, Prairie Oysters and Alligator.

While watching Man vs. Food: Carnivore Edition I came across this restaurant in Denver – The Buckhorn Exchange. It is basically a meat lovers dream that serves everything from Buffalo to Elk to Cornish Game Hen. Oh, and you can’t forget the Rattlesnake, Alligator Tail or the Rocky Mountain Oysters! It all looked so good. I need to go and try all these different cuts of meat. It would be an experience of a lifetime. A story to tell.

I’m also big into going to a new town or city and trying out there signature dish. I tried to do as much of that as I could while I was in Italy, having a Caprese Salad in Capri, Cannoli in Sicily and Pesto Sauce in Genoa. Therefore, I need to have a Lobster Roll in Maine, Southern BBQ in Alabama, a Cheese Steak Sammich in Philly, a Boston Cream Pie in Boston, and so on.

With so many different foods in this world to try, I better get cracking. Whats on your Food Bucket List?

Happy 3rd Anniversary, Mr. Ciavarro.

I love you.

We went to Fat Burger for lunch. We’ve driven by it 100 times but have never stopped in. We finally had the chance to do so during the long weekend. Chad ordered a regular burger and I ordered the crispy chicken sandwich. I can never leave well enough alone so I added bacon and guacamole to it. That was a bad choice. The guacamole was quite salty and reminded me a little too much of Mexico. Had I ordered it without the extras it would probably have been really good. What I did discover, however, its that I really don’t like burgers. Maybe its a phase, maybe it’s forever. McDonalds Cheeseburgers and Chicken Burgers are about the only ‘Burgers’ that I’ll eat, which is too bad because Chad says hes mastered the art of the home made burger. I just can’t do beef patties anymore. Actually, I just can’t do ground beef anymore. The thought of it makes me cringe.

No Burgers for ME.