I only took 4 pictures

Posted on April 16, 2009 by Smelly Danielly

We got to the Mountain Shadow at about 5:30 last night, an hour and half before the game. What we didn’t factor in was that it was also Student Night, Wing Night, & Happy Hour. What did this mean? All the good seats were already taken or reserved. Dammit. We found a booth in the newer section of the pub and held that, but Chad was not satisfied, so he over took another table as well. Shortly after ordering beers Marlee showed up and one by one everyone arrived. The boys stole chairs and crowded around the table and the girls sat comfortably in the booth.

We attempted to order some dinner in the middle of the first period but the wait staff was on crack the whole night. It took forever for drinks and even long for food. It wasn’t until the 3rd period that we finally ate. My chicken wrap was surprisingly good, while Chads potato skins actually looked like someone had thrown them in the garbage and someone else picked them up and put them on a plate. Marlee’s peppers actually had mold on them. They were so understaffed that our food probably sat in the kitchen for an hour waiting to be picked up. It was ridiculous. No one came to clear our plates or glasses so we had a pile of garbage at the end of the table. By the end of the night we were all pissed off with the shitty service and shitty food. Both Chad and I felt gross for the rest of the evening. We pretty much made a packed that we weren’t going to go there to watch any more hockey games this season and definitely wouldn’t go there again for food.

As well, because we had waited so long for our dinners to arrive all we could do was drink what was in front of us which meant that me + 2 pints + no food = falling asleep in the corner by 9:30. We left right after the game finished, because seriously there was no point hanging around any longer, and I basically feel asleep the minute my head hit the pillow. Out like a light.

Oh and not to mention that there was a 30 second delay on the TVs upstairs so instead of watching the game it was more about listening to the downstairs crowd react. They told us when the goals were before we saw them. Craptastic.

The only thing that saved the evening was the company and conversation. We ended up getting into a huge conversation about Cancer of all things, talking about Marlee’s friend Jon, what I have to go through, and about other people we know who’ve gone through it. It was then that we found out Sonia’s boyfriend Darren has survived Cancer twice having it both in his brain and his neck. With hearing all the things he had to go through was really inspirational and very interesting. Because of going through 2 rounds of treatments for his two different Cancers his thyroid was destroyed, so like me, he has to be on medication for life.

Its interesting that we got onto that topic of conversation yesterday because yesterday was the first day since I heard the diagnosis that I started to really worry about the surgery. After I came to the realization about what was going to happen to me I put the thought out of my mind and basically have been living in ‘denial’ about it, just trying not to think about. After looking at the calendar yesterday and realizing how close we are getting to the beginning of May I started to panic. The thought of going through that whole process again is too much for me to stomach.

Whats more interesting is that when we got home last night there was a message on the answering machine from the surgeons office asking me to call them back. Its like I subconsciouslyknew all day that it would be soon and then I got home and there it was. I was quietly freaking out inside all night and when I finally had the chance to call them back this morning I was more then disappointed.

The lady who answered the phone was the moron secretary (though I feel bad calling her that now because she was very sweet to me the last time I was in there). I told her my name and she asked what I was waiting to hear back for. I told her about the surgery and proceeded to look for the information. Well apparently the competent secretary does all the bookings and she wasn’t in today and moron secretary couldn’t find the information she had so I have to phone back on Monday to find out when my surgery is. Really now. If this time is anything like last time it means that they are phoning me to give me a weeks notice, which means if I have to call them on Monday I will basically be getting a few days notice. GREAT! Am really not impressed at the moment.

So now I sit and wait some more even though I am this close to knowing the date and attempting to figure out my schedule. I wish people weren’t so incompetent.

PS. I only took 4 pictures last night because everyone was all over the place and I fell asleep.

Trying not to think about the cold

Posted on April 8, 2009 by Smelly Danielly

I got excited when I saw the sun this morning that I put on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt, flip-flops, and a big sweater and was off. The closer I got to work the more I realized how grey the clouds were and how there actually wasn’t any sun out in Vancouver. Then I noticed all the people on the streets wearing big jackets and closed toe shoes. Shit. The news said it was suppose to be sunny until Thursday but I think they lied, and as I double check it now it says its suppose to rain this afternoon. And I am in flip-flops. Dammit Danielle. You jumped the weather gun.

Now I just feel like an idiot.

Speaking of idiots, some random on flickr saw this picture and felt the need to eamil me informing me that I in fact should shave my arms because they are too hairy. Oh well Thank you for that. While I am well aware that my overly pale skin allows my dark Italian hair to shine through I am not about to go and change that because you emailed me. I’ve lived 23 years with these arms, and while at times I have waxed them, if I was so self conscious about them I wouldn’t post a picture like that or actually leave the house with hair on my arms for that matter.

Some people.

Our wonderful neighbours who like to make lots of noise and piss everyone in the building off are expecting their second child. There aren’t suppose to be any children in the building. Enough people are pissed off about the first one (who runs up and down the halls screaming) that shit will hit the fan when this second one arrives. They are trying to hide the pregnancy but my investigation skills have unlocked the mystery. Their new obsession is to open and close their sliding door 50 times before they go to bed (after 11pm) and when they wake up (before 7am). Our neighbour below us, who is very sensitive to noise because she goes to bed at 9pm, keeps thinking its US who is doing this and therefore pounds on the ceiling every time when we are actually half asleep in bed and not playing with our sliding door. Chad has now had to email BOTH of them about this issue. I love my apartment but I hate everyone around it.

This post wasn’t suppose to be so negative.

Right Handed

Posted on March 26, 2009 by Smelly Danielly

So I guess I should update. I can’t type really well. I am being extra cautious.

I got a phone call Tuesday afternoon from my Mom. Not out of the ordinary but for some reason I had a bad feeling about this one. Nonno and Nonna were in a car accident. They were waiting at a light to turn left and the guy behind them in a big trunk bent down to get his phone and didn’t seem them. He plowed right into the back of their car. Everything went spinning. He wasn’t even slowing down when he hit them, he was going full speed ahead. Nonno escaped with out any injuries. The man has never been hurt a day in his life. Nonna on the other had got the worst of it. They had to call an ambulance. Her head and back are all bruised and sore. Nothing broken Thank God, but at 73 the woman has enough issues with her health.

Alicia said to me that things happen in threes and that since so much crap has happened in the last little while this was probably the end of it. Actually it wasn’t.

I got home from work in a pretty down mood. We were having Tacos so I started to chop up all the veggies. I had half an avocado I was going to use but it still had a pit in it. I grabbed my trusty steak knife and attempted to stab it. It slipped and I stabbed the knife into my thumb and dragged it into the squishy bit between your thumb and first finger. Blood went flying. I’ve never seen anything like it before. Chad said he had never been so scared in his life. I dropped everything and ran for the paper towels. Blood was pouring out everywhere. I had a bad feeling about this.

I wrapped my thumb up and started to panic. This was not good and about 100 times worse then the last time. I couldn’t believe I had done something so stupid.

Blood was everywhere. All over the counter, in the sink, all over me. It was a disaster.

I sat down and elevated my hand while Chad cleaned up. We knew this time I would need a hospital visit. I felt like such an idiot.

We called my Mom who was at the hospital with my Nonna to tell her we were heading to the Emergency. We got in the car and headed down. Thankfully it is close to where we live.

I went in and signed up or whatever they do in the ER. They asked me how I did it and I laughed at myself for my stupidity. I filled out some forms and waited. Then the Nurse asked me if I had stayed over night in any hospital in the last three months, that’s when I had to explain my current situation. She sat their looking at me like I was the saddest little puppy around. I know, I know, I’m a disaster.

We sat their and waited while the hockey game was on. I went through about 100 emotions in 10 minutes. Laughing cause I was so stupid, then sad because I was so stupid, worried that I had done major damage, and concerned that this would affect my next surgery.

I finally got called in to get stitched up. The Dr. seemed a little odd but my positive attitude allowed him to joke with me. I guess it was refreshing to deal with someone who wasn’t miserable. When he stuck the needle in to freeze the wound blood went everywhere which indicated to him that I had sliced open an Artery. Great. I asked if I had hit a muscle or anything and he said no. I just have to watch that my thumb doesn’t go numb. If it does I’ve done a number to my nerves and will need plastic surgery. Great again.

I went home, finished making tacos, popped in a couple Extra Strength Tylenol and bawled my eyes out. The accumulation of everything that was going on hit me all at once. I will put on a brave face for everyone to see, but in my private moments I am a mess. And really that’s the way it should be. No one wants to deal with a walking basket case. I was so worried that I done real damage to my nerves that I was making myself sick over it. When the freezing wore off the pain was excruciating. I have a high tolerance for pain but this was like something I’ve never felt in my life. I can not even tell you how much it hurt. I just had to cry and cry and cry.

I finally fell asleep and only woke up a couple of times to see if my thumb had gone numb or not.

I woke up in the morning feeling horrible. Chad had to dress me. I couldn’t use my left hand at all. No make up, just a hoodie, I couldn’t even put my hair in a pony tail.

I drove to work with one hand. I drive a standard. Not easy. By the time I got to work the pain was blinding. I don’t even know why I attempted to go in. I guess I just felt so guilty that I had done something so stupid and would have to miss more work then I already have to. I guess the medicine kicked in at some point and I ended up sticking around until 2 finishing up some stuff. By two I was dying and had to get out of there. I went home and slept.

Dinner at my Moms where I died some more. The Tylenol had effed up my stomach again even though I took it with food and had only taken a couple of them. I barely ate and then went home. I took some Advil and fell asleep at 10.

Today is like night and day from yesterday. The Advil worked miracles. I’m still in pain but NOTHING like yesterday. My thumb feels like its falling asleep which indicates that I did do nerve damage but that it should heal itself. My aunt said she did something similar and it took a month before the falling asleep feeling went away. I still can’t really use my hand. A little at a time but its still painful. My whole arm and hand is now very sensitive to movement and when I do something funny I feel a shock go through my arm into my hand and thumb all along the nerve line. Healing this is going to be a process.

I just can’t believe my luck these days. My Mom reminded me of the last time life was this shitty 1999, 10 years ago. It will be 10 years this Sunday that my cousin Andrew died at the age of 7 in a car accident. The first traumatic death my family ever experience. In August it will be 10 years since my Nonno Giacomo passed away as well. I just had to sit back in disbelief that this much crap could happen all at once. Nothing surprises me anymore, I just add it to the list.

I don’t have a lot of hope for 2009 to be a good year. Maybe the Summer will bring some good times and a relief from all of this.

I’m Not Here

Posted on March 24, 2009 by Smelly Danielly

Stress lets you make bad decisions and not think straight. I didn’t think I was that stressed until today. Then I realized breaking down into tears because the wrong roll of fabric was sent out is a pretty sure sign of stress. It feels like every decision I make backfires and the best option for me to be to shut up, sit back, and not exist.

I met the with specialist again yesterday to go over everything with a clear mind.

I have a feeling I will most likely have to have radioactive iodine therapy which means I will be radioactive for a few days.

If thats not nuts I don’t know what is.

I won’t be allowed to go around children.

Maybe I will turn into a super hero?

I can barely even type this out

Posted on March 18, 2009 by Smelly Danielly

I went to the specialist yesterday for my follow up appointment. I forgot to mention it because it really wasn’t on my mind at all. I was told by the receptionist that if they found anything negative they would probably call me and move up my appointment instead of making me wait 3 weeks. So I figured no new was good new. WRONG.

Because I had no inclination that anything was going to go wrong I went to the appointment by myself. No Chad, no Mom, just me. I figured he would look at the scar, say everything was good and I would be out of there.

I went into his office. He looked at the scar and said ‘It looks great! Too bad we need to do this again’. I’m sorry WHAT?

At that exact moment I went into shock. I just sat there.

He proceeded to tell me that the test results came back and I have Papillary Thyroid Cancer. I will have to go back in for surgery in May to remove the other half of my Thyroid, then I will have to go on Hormone Replacement pills for the rest of my life. I just about puked.

I just sat there saying “ok…..ok…..sure”. He asked me if I had any questions and I just sat there staring at him. How the hell am I suppose to formulate questions right now when you just told me I have/had Cancer?

I guess the technical aspect of it is that I DID have Cancer. The lumps they removed tested positive for it and the removal of the other side of the Thyroid is a mandatory precautionary method. But that still doesn’t make me feel any better.

He went on about other things but I really have no idea what he said. I couldn’t process it all.

He kept down playing the aspect of Cancer saying that its the best one to have and lots of people have gone through this before, including his secretary. That’s great and all, but he was also the one that said I had a 5% chance of actually HAVING Cancer.

All I could think about sitting there was that I now had to go home and drop this bomb on Chad. I had to call my parents and tell them. They had to call all the people who had been asking and tell them. It was going to be a disaster. Everyone figured I was fine because I hadn’t heard anything and now this. I couldn’t handle it. I just wanted it to go away.

I acted calm and brave and he asked me if I have a clam personality. “No” I replied. I am Italian. I should be waving my hands and over reacting at this point.

I left his office and sat in the waiting room waiting to fill out the same paper work I did the last time. It must have started to sink in, the news of what was going to happen, because my domineer changed, and they could tell. The secretary tried to re-assure me and the specialist came out to do the same, but it was no help. I just wanted to get the hell out of there.

Chad kept messaging me to see if everything was ok, but there was no way I could tell him via Txt. My heart was breaking.

I finally got home and told him. He was just as much in shock as I was. I phoned my parents and told them as well. Then the news started to spread amongst the family and everyone started phoning me and I put on my brave voice and they cried to me on the phone. I think everyone is at a loss.

I think it is such a shock to everyone because we really thought that everything was ok and had no indication that there was anything wrong and now it feels like we are back a square one.

I remember saying to Chad a few days after surgery that I better not have to do this again. It was one of the worst experiences of my life and here I am about to face it again. I can’t even believe it.

I just sat there in a mist last night. I had a massive head ache from all the crying and worryingand thinking. The only thing I could stomach to eat of a piece of cheese and pine nuts. How friggin random.

I just don’t want people to make a big deal about this. I don’t want people to have to worry about me. I just want it to be all done and over with so we never have to talk about this again. I don’t want to be a burden.

I don’t really know about how I feel. My head is too complicated to actually assess all the information and come to a conclusion for myself. It will take me a few days to process and then I will be back to normal, ready to fight.

Like Chad kept saying last night, I’ve done this once, I can do it again.