Last night I attended the party for the Top 30 Mom Bloggers in Vancouver. I’m going to call a spade a spade here (because that’s what I love to do) and say that I am not a mom blogger. I am a blogger who also happens to be a mom.
I was very honoured to be nominated as one of the top 30 mom bloggers in Vancouver. I was honoured that people voted for me. I was honoured that I got to attend the wonderful party and receive amazing goodies. But, I felt out of place. Not just because I am an introvert and going to a party with no security blanket where I know no one is the last thing in this world that I want to do, but because I am not a mom blogger. And I am OK with that.
It was a weird experience as I entered a room full of beautiful woman in pretty dresses and heels looking their best. I was standing their in jeans and a blouse sweating my butt off because I was dressed more for a Winter party than a Summer party. Normally I would have felt so uncomfortable that I didn’t fit in with everyone else, but as I stood there and looked around the room, I realized I really didn’t care. I didn’t care that I was in jeans and everyone else was all dolled up. I didn’t care that everyone had cute little blog names about being a mom and I had a name tag that said SMELLY DANIELLY. For the first time I realized just how comfortable I felt being myself.
In the world of bloggers, I felt so old in comparison to everyone else; like I’d been around the block a million times. I mean, I’ve been blogging for 10 years. 10 freaking years. That is just ridiculous to think about.
“Back in my day” all we cared about was meeting other bloggers who were obsessed with Matt Good. That was the whole reason any of this got started. Matt Good had a blog, we liked his music so we started blogs and we all connected with each other sharing that one similar thread. I didn’t start this blog to regale stories of motherhood in hopes of connecting with other mothers. I started this blog with a love for Matt Good and his music in hopes of connecting with other fans. That’s where I belong.
Now, don’t get me wrong. It was super cool that I was included in this wonderful group of woman who love being moms, I’m just different from them.
Being an introvert, I am not one who goes out in search of social gatherings or different opportunities. So, I made a deal with myself that since I spend 95% of my time laying on my ridiculously small couch watching Gilmore Girl re-runs over and over and over again, that when an opportunity did present itself to me, I would take it, even if I felt totally out of my comfort zone. Every time this happens I stress about how uncomfortable I’m going to be and how awkward I’m probably going to feel until Chad tells me to stop and reminds me that I do this every time and every time I come home so happy that I ended up going through with it. Last night was no different.
Aside from coming away from the event with a feeling of security in my own skin, I was so thrilled that after years of reading her blog, I was finally able to connect with Hillary. As a fellow Thyroid Cancer fighter and mother of a crazy boy, we had a lot to talk about and ended up being each others “I don’t know anyone else here so do you just wanna stand here and chat all night? Great me to!”. It felt like I had known her forever, which happen with bloggers because it’s kind of like you have known them forever without having ever met them. I might try to convince her to hang out with me all the time and be my BFF because that’s not creepy at all.
So, in conclusion to this blog post that has no real purpose other than to record that weird stream of thoughts going through my head right now, I am glad I took the time to do something outside of my comfort zone and I’m glad I realized that I don’t have to fit in to every situation I am thrown into, and that’s OK.
I have some how destroyed my lower back and it is causing me a lot of grief. It started Friday night. I thought I had Kidney stones because I Googled my symptoms and that was what I was told. However, Chad disagreed and told me I probably just hurt my back, only I don’t recall doing anything that led to this “hurting my back”. Advil and heating pads are helping which concludes that it is not Kidney stones and is back related. However, continuously wrangling the squirmiest 21lbs baby ever is not helping.
Speaking of the squirmiest 21lbs baby ever, he seems to be possessed by the Tooth Growing Pain Devil. I thought we were out of the woods when the majority of his top two front teeth popped through last week but the relief was short lived. He is a bit of a monster today.
He has also figured out some new words. He likes to say “Hi-Da-Da-Da” over and over again. He does not direct this new phrase at Chad, however, because we call him Papa. He decided that yesterday during Mass would be the best time to practice this new phrase so I had to spend the majority of it with him outside. It is the cutest thing ever, though.
He is sitting on his own very well these days. I still place pillows around him though because Chad loses his mind every time Matteo falls over. He is slightly over protective. Matteo has not figured out how to crawl yet but he does like to push himself backwards with his hands all over the hardwood floor. I don’t know if he will every actually crawl but we shall see. He also likes to pull himself up using our hands. He won’t pull himself up any other way, but I am kind of grateful for that because it means I don’t have to lower his crib yet and the longer I don’t have to do that the better. I can’t imagine how hard it will be to put CPAP on when I have to bend over that much.
Speaking of CPAP we have a respirology appointment tomorrow and I am totally feeling anxious about it. I don’t have any particular reason why, I just do. I have already started to have nightmares about it. Ick. Hospitals.
This particularly warm weather we are having these days is nice, but I really want it to get cold. I know that is such a weird request but I want to go to bed wearing a long sleeve t-shirt with out waking up sweating and I want to be able to wear a fuzzy housecoat with out feeling ridiculously over dressed. Are these demands too much to ask? I think not, I mean it is half way through September!
It’s crazy to think about it but I have almost been off of work for a whole year, thanks to my pregnancy complications. October 4th was my last day of work, November 4th I was admitted to the hospital and December 4th I finally came home. What is even crazier to think about is that I don’t actually have to go back to work until April 14th 2015 because of Matteo’s hospital stay. Talk about an extended vay-cay. Thankfully, after months of “fighting” with EI my case has finally been figured out (there was a lot of miss communication on both parts that made it very stressful) and I have been given the coverage I deserve.
I am beyond excited for all the holidays and events that are occurring between now and the end of the year. The next 3 months are going to be wonderful!
I don’t know how to get back into this blogging business. I guess I just have to do it, right?
So much has happened since Matteo came home from the hospital, it’s just too hard to go back and recap. It’s been a learning curve for Chad and I, obviously. I think it’s a learning curve for anyone who brings home a baby, but even more so for us, given all the complications we’ve had to face. I try not to stop and think about it too much because it stresses me out. The fact that for 137 days I had to leave my child in the care of other people, that I was unable to bring him home just hurts thinking about it. Panic attack hurt. I just can’t dwell on it.
Having him home on CPAP has been a challenge; an added stress on top of normal baby stress. On the one hand we are so thankful that this machine allows us to have him home, but on the other hand it is the biggest pain in the butt when its 2am and I have to sit and wait for him to fall asleep enough that putting the mask on him will not wake him up into a fit of rage. The only bonus to having CPAP at home is that we qualify for nursing hours, which means a nurse comes to our house to give us a break and take care of Matteo. Its the only reason I haven’t totally lost my mind due to lack of sleep!
Sometimes Matteo is so cute I want to explode and other times he is so frustrating I want to explode. Last week Matteo was sick with a sore throat and cough which was rather stressful for us given his whole lung issue. Thankfully his cold didn’t seem to affect his breathing but it did turn him into a cranky fussy fidget monster. It made Chad and I laugh when we ran into some friends and they exclaimed at how Matteo is such a happy baby (because he gets super happy and smiley when meeting people). On his good days he is so much fun, but on his bad days he is so fussy it is maddening!
Next week we have an appointment with Respirology where we will find out what the next step is for Matteo. It would be amazing if he has progressed enough to no longer need CPAP but it also scares me because no CPAP means no safety net. I guess it’s out of our hands either way, I just think hes gotten to the point where CPAP is more disruptive then it is helpful.
In non Matteo news we have spent the first part of Summer fixing up our front yard after last years drain tile debacle. I originally didn’t want to work on the front because I have major plans for the back, but Chad suggested starting small and as we all know, Chad is always right. I am super happy with the way it turned out. I will have to post pictures of it very soon. My life basically consists of pictures of Matteo and pictures of flowers. True story.
I have 5 minutes, so…
1) This week has not been a fun week at work. I’ve spent more time then I ever thought I would in a hot sweat factory inspecting wool coats. That’s the irony of the fashion industry; wool coats on the hottest days of the year and skimpy summer dresses when it’s snowing outside. It has not been a fun experience, and we aren’t even done yet, but you gotta do what you gotta do to get the job done.
2) Mama Ciavarro is coming over tonight to take a look at the garden and see what did well and what did not. I must admit that I have not been the best gardener this year and have not kept up with it as much as I should have, but I’ll blame baby Ziti for that, because that’s what you do, right? Blame your children when you can’t get stuff done? I was actually pleasantly surprised when I went out the other day and noticed that the plants I had thought were goners were actually coming back to life. Much like Jesus, my plants rise from the dead. Hallelujah!
3) I have several crafts on the go which I am obsessed with but because I am doing them all at the same time, none of them are close to being finished. Can I just take a bunch of days off and craft please?
4) I finally found a pesto recipe that I like. I know that sounds weird because pesto has like 5 ingredients, so how many different versions could there be, but I always found the pesto that I made/bought to be too basily. The ratio of ingredients always seemed off to me. Last night I tried out David Roccos recipe and BOOM, perfection. Except in his cook book it says 1 bunch of basil, not 4 cups, so that’s probably why I liked it, because I used about 1 cup of basil. Odd that his website and book say different things. But anyways, I learned I like less basil.
5) The back yard is finally starting to get cleaned up since the drain tile project of death is now complete. Side walk framing is happening tomorrow! Yay no more piles of dirt! Hopefully we can have that finished in the next few weeks, then the growing pile of trash in our carport can be removed and then we don’t look like we are a bunch of hobo home owners! Now all I need is a quote to get our small retaining wall replaced and this whole expensive adventure can be put behind us!
I figured I better blog something today because if not Dario is going to have a very boring day at work reading the same 5 websites over and over and over again. Clearly blogging has taken a back seat in my life. Its not that I’m really any more busy then normal, its just that I really don’t feel like blogging about anything. It’s taken me 7 years to realize, maybe its just better to live life instead of trying to document every little aspect of it. Or maybe I’m just super lazy and in no time I will be back to regular blogging.
Actually, to be honest, I think a lot of it has to do with my current situation. The Baby Ziti situation. There is something about being pregnant that makes me want to be very private. Is it that motherly instinct to protect my child? Maybe it. It is because I hate attention and I’ve basically got a neon sign pointing to my belly saying “BABY INSIDE”. Probably. Either way, I guess starting a family is pretty life changing and makes you re-evaluate certain things. That and I feel very focused on ‘preparations’ right now and not very focused on ‘adventure time’. Maybe next year, when I’m home on mat leave, I’ll blog up a storm with all the things I do to fill my day. In my unrealistic mat leave plan Elise and I will be going on a lot of fun baby dates.
Mat leave. I have 4 months left of work and then I will be off for a year. This is both exciting and crazy to think about. Exciting because I am looking forward to a change of pace. Not having to drive HWY 1 every morning. Not having to sit at a desk all day. Getting to take a year off to do something different all the while knowing I have a job waiting for me at the end of it. Crazy because I have no idea what its going to be like and I have a whole year of it. A year seems like a long time but it will go by in a flash I’m sure.
It’s a little daunting to think about right now though, because I have to spend the next 4 month doing my usual job as well as preparing for my replacement. This means creating a binder with step by step instruction on everything I do. I don’t think you can comprehend just how much I do and just how stressful it is going to be trying to record everything that is in my brain. Everything that I do with out even thinking about it. Everything I have learned in 6 1/2 years. I don’t even know where to start with it all.
I guess all I really need to do is put my head down and work. Just getter done so I’m not rushing at the last minute. Let the fun begin.